spice core

I woke up at 3 AM to do the dishes. I usually get to house-cleaning after work but I went out to get a phonebook instead, not like the yellow pages but the kind where you curate the numbers yourself. The bind reads Wanderlust. It’s got alphabetical index tabs with photos of public telephones around the world. Free, vintage, in perfect condition–Facebook Marketplace. The seller lived in a posh neighborhood, the kind where everyone plays Neighborhood Watch. She arranged for a contactless tradeoff, and I was becoming nervous about the optics of me sifting through her mailbox. I liked the meeting strangers part of buying from digital marketplaces but the contactless exchange seems an immovable relic from Covid.

Nonetheless, I appreciated our trade forWanderlust as the book added a sense of mysticism to an encounter later that evening. I was on my way to Saigon Pai when a man appeared in my path. That’s usually not a reason to stop walking but he made a really refreshing intro. The gag is: I don’t remember it lol. But I remember thinking, I’ll bite. I was feeling particularly open to the world and I’ve been on a steady streak of putting myself out there lately. I became a recluse out of resentment for moving here against my will, and then later, because it was great for me creatively. I wonder what it’s like where you live, but in Toronto, it seems like men hardly approach women any more. It’s almost like it’s only appropriate to do digitally now. There are a myriad of cultural shifts to explain the state of things but the bottom line is that the men who are unafraid to generate a connection out of thin air – in real life –are usually seniors or mentally unwell. Respect to both groups. This man was a millennial and appeared stable. He said I was beautiful. I did feel that way, I’d pinned my locs into a messy curly sort of bob, and I had on a belted dress that reminded me a bit (fantasy) of the number Betty Draper pulled when she told her friend she used to be a muse for Gianni Versace.

He was beautiful too, the whole city glowed through mandarin tinted shades (with tortoise shell frames!). Our conversation was brief, he made me smile too many times. I was going to segue when he gracefully interrupted me to say I was beautiful again, I wondered if he was being sincere this time or just liked women grinning at him – then I thought, well what’s wrong with that? When he asked if he could call me, I said yes. At Saigon Pai, I ordered spring rolls to go, I did my word search book at the bar and tended to a daiquiri. It was much bigger and stronger than I expected. Its why I woke up at 3 AM to do the dishes. Before I fell asleep, he asked me on a date to the beach, what he had planned sounded wonderful actually, so I said yes again. But then he said–

“if the vibe is right, don’t be surprised if I try to kiss you”.

They always tell you, in one way or another, that they plan to mistreat you. It’s like how vampires always need an invitation. I went silent. Not even three hours before the unveiling this time. I laughed with my sisters about it. My youngest one said, ‘they don’t even let you build up the fantasy in your head anymore’. At 27, I don’t really think they’re doing anything differently, I think we’re just more discerning. But then I played devil’s advocate in my head, the what if! game, a seemingly immovable relic from my early twenties. I’ve already come to realize the inquiry is the answer. If the most penetrating question you’ve asked yourself since you met him was ‘does he respect me?’ you need to find someone more inspiring. And so just like that! It was over. I was proud of this.

Fast forward– the date would’ve been today. This morning, after a day and a half of silence, he sent me a photo of his penis. An unwelcome dick pic! – a relic (or so I thought) from the mid 2010s. During work hours, how did he manage this? Maybe he’s unemployed. Maybe he works nights. In this economy, maybe this is actually a business card. To be honest, I was amused. Fascinated really. What was a conventionally attractive and admittedly well endowed man who can at least mask as mentally stable – going to these lengths for? It really can’t be that hard for him to find a woman who’s willing to answer that text. There’s something deeper going on here. No words. Just his languishing penis. It was hard but it seemed dead inside. I thought, is this all he thinks he’s worth? It made me really sad. Why would he reduce himself to the obvious like that? For sex, you are willing to join the lowest ranks of men? Even if he had a fetish for exposing himself to women who ignore him, he should at least respect himself/others enough to find an enthusiastic participant. Wow, it dawned on me lol– he’s insane. I wish you could have met him too, you would have never anticipated this behavior. Maybe you would have. Still, someone out there has high hopes for him. I deleted the evidence of his breakdown. I thought of the waste. And then I moved on.

I was advised to tell him off, but I wasn’t angry. Apart from the empathy and bewilderment, I felt nothing. Happiness came later, I realized I was rewarded for listening to myself. I was given nearly immediate confirmation. I’m not apathetic or harsh or out of touch or too risk averse to find connection- I’m logical and I am the master of my own time. And because I have learned this sort of efficiency, there’ve been no accidental relationship interludes these last few years, just significant men with impactful periods of solitude in between.