spice core

I’ve developed or maybe always had a sort of aversion to complaining, maybe it’s my background in customer service, or the fact that I’m Canadian, but I’m overexposed to the petty grievances of others. Anyways, this evening, I’m sort of here to add to the cacophony- I’m so tired of someone always being a-ffucking-round. Though this era of civilization seems marked by a certain loneliness and isolation…for me it feels harder to have been priced out of the solitude I’d choose. It may be the most alienating thing for me. I want to react differently to this stage in my life, where I find myself in very close proximity to the people I love, I know it won’t last forever and I want to appreciate it so deeply. I am lucky.

I am also a woman of a certain age, less than thirty but on my way. I need space. After work today, I was laying in my bed, playing out this fantasy that appeared in mirages throughout the week. The erotic kind. Everything was so still and there’s something about an early evening glow and quiet. I think paired with the exhaustion, my mind sunk into this sub space, I was sort of spellbound by my own thoughts… I thought I met get somewhere without help. And then – interruption. Lingering, interruption. It brought me to tears. GO AWAY!

“These things don’t happen in real life Dustin. These are the celestial cockteasers of your imagination.” This is such a good line, I think I started Cool Blue (1989) just so I could hear it. I tried with the rest of the film but it wasn’t for me. Except it sort of was, Dustin is 27 too, and in that scene he was moaning about where he’s supposed to be. Those first two paragraphs were written when I was still in my Father’s home. A few months later, I moved out. I worked up the nerve to do it while on a temp job.

This is my first apartment: tiny and secluded in a village with a vegetal moniker. When one of my little sisters came to visit me here, she said it wasn’t worth the rent, lmao. She doesn’t understand the value of what I have. It escapes me too somedays, when I’m lamenting about the constant negotiation of my freedom in exchange for survival. I’ve called this place a prison! Imagine that. I, like Dustin, am pre-occupied with pre-mature disappointment, because I’m not yet (trying to be more mindful of my words) making a living as an artist. I’m sure if I were, I’d complain then too. The truth is, this studio is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, or that I’ve ever made happen, in collaboration with the universe and my angel Father who enabled me to save money.

But that’s why I love the phrase celestial cocktease in reference to our dreams. I do think, sometimes, the act of desiring and the beautiful hallucinations that come along ought to be the main event. In a moment of post nut clarity, I think: it’s about the apartment, yes, but the true come up is the person I had to become to get and keep it. Sometimes desire/suffering spurs us to do and be what we don’t have the wisdom to imagine for ourselves. I find it more useful than the realization of whatever the dream may be. Its the journey, not the destination – all that good jazz. I’m in a time in life where I’m discovering the truth of many idioms.

If its not one thing, its another! Nowadays, I wish for my dreaming to be interrupted by a lingering soul. I’m very alone, and sometimes lonely.